Some Mountain Bitch Humor

Here's some quick mountain bitch humor for you...

Keep the mountains your friends, my bitches!

If you ain't a bitch, better make some bitches your friends...

Bitches Don't Gossip: Bitches Are Gossip

"Did you hear what that bitch said?" 

"Yes, yes I did."

Hey Bitches,

In case you aren't aware, in order to be a righteous, awesome bitch, you don't worry about gossiping. Why? Bitches ARE the gossip! Have you ever heard phrases like, "Did you hear what that bitch said?" or "Do you know what that bitch did?". Of course you have, and most likely the person asking these questions (gossiping) wishes she/he was that bitch. 

As a bitch, people want to be you. They may not admit it out loud but trust me, those thoughts are doing the backstroke in their swimming pool heads. Remember, bitches are power and everyone craves power. If you are a true bitch, you don't need to gossip since you will be the gossip and people will be talking about you.

So how do you start being a part of the gossip? Well, whatever you do, make sure it's crazy (you can refer back to the 5 beginning steps of Being The Bitch). Maybe throw some stuff, yell or say fuck a lot to one person in particular or to inanimate objects. Computers can especially be an excellent source for aggressively cursing. Be careful at work, however. You don't want to seem TOO crazy to work colleagues. Bitches are professional.

Bitch on, my bitches

Bitch Style: Words For The Walls

Without a doubt, you need these art pieces for your walls IMMEDIATELY:

 Christopher Wool 

 

Christopher Wool - Untitled (F54) [1992]

Bitches Beware: Mixed Drink Signals

Hey Bitches,

Mixed drinks are fun sometimes, just not all of the time. Of course you should drink a Mai Tai when in Hawaii, at a Luau party, or at a Trader Vic's. All this is a given. Remember - bitches aren't stupid. There are other special occasions when mixing is appropriate. Sometimes you just want a good Manhattan dammit.

Overall speaking however, once you start mixing, the good becomes bad. Perhaps I'm really speaking of self-mixing when going from vodka then gin and then wine and then...you get the picture. Mixed drinks (and drinking) are like mixed signals. Too many push and pulls makes the good become bad.

Why would you put anything else in a single malt scotch? I know, completely ridiculous. So the best practice is to not mix: straight whiskey, vodka, gin or tequila. Beer, wine and champagne are also acceptable. When something is good and you want to appreciate it, you don't put other shit in your glass or in your stomach.

Are you understanding this parallelism or must I further explain? Treat mixed signals as you would mixed drinks (drinking). If you are getting playfully slapped on the ass one minute and then are ignored the next, put your finger in your mouth and throw it all up before you won't have any control later while you are laying on the bathroom floor hugging the toilet.

We all make mistakes but if these mistakes keep happening, it's time to wise up. You should know better by now. Bitches don't mix on the mountain. Respect the whiskey and "it" will respect you.

Drink slow and love strong, my bitches.

Bitches Don't Wear This: The Sophie

These are called "Thigh-skimming panel jeans" dubbed the Sophie. They are made by some designer called Stephene. Hmmmmm...bitches please. I better not see you in a pair of these! Bitches don't wear this:

Be The Bitch

"Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman's got to hold onto." -Stephen King, Dolores Claiborne

(If you don't know who this is, figure it out.)

Being a bitch is useful on the mountain, and when I refer to mountains I don't mean it literally. We are all on some mountain: An actual mountain or the mountain of life. Getting through life's situations by being a bitch is sometimes the best and most helpful way to do it.

In the past few years, it has been a struggle for me to "Be The Bitch." I have a big heart and care about people which gets me in trouble when they walk over me. I also have been learning to care less about what others think of me. Sensitive, yes it's true, and remembering to work that bitch just makes you grow stronger. We need more strong women in our society. Where have they all gone? Are they hiding in the mountains?

Let's begin to dissect how you can start walking on your own bitch path. These are 5 good ways you can begin:

It's Okay To Say FUCK: Fuck you, fuck off, fuckface and the list goes on and on. It's true it can be considered crass and "unbecoming of a lady" to use this magic word. It's also true it's best not to use it while in certain situations, like to your boss at work (unless you are perhaps fucking each other). Words are power. Fuck it.

Stand Up For Yourself: This is less about being a bitch and more about claiming your power, which a bitch has -- POWER. Don't let people run over you. There are so many people who would be better off if they just claimed their power. Say what you think and don't be scared. People will respect you more. They may also become scared and that will only help your bitch path.

Don't Hang Around Stupid People: Bitches are smart and they don't need stupid people bringing them down, making them stupid and doing stupid things. You know who these people are, and the worse ones are those who don't know they're stupid. It's your choice to clue them in to their stupidity, but it may just be easier to phase them out.

Put Your Sensitivity On Hold: It's good to be sensitive, but not all the time. Giving yourself some separation from sensitivity is exercising your independence. Interestingly, the noun definition is: A person who is believed to respond to occult influences. Hence, don't get influenced by anything. Once you get influenced, then you start loosing yourself and that is what sensitivity thrives on. The Weak.

Get Crazy: Do you remember that song by Seal? The lyrics are: "Oh, you're never going to survive unless you get a little crazy." I believe he was singing to all bitches. Perhaps this should be THE Bitch Anthem. It's simple, really. Being a little crazy is a good thing, just don't get TOO crazy. If you can't figure out what the difference is between getting crazy and getting too crazy, then you are a stupid person and I don't know how to help you with that. I'm not supposed to hang out with stupid people. You should probably stop reading this...oops to late.

Did I forget to include something? Too bad. Fuck you.

Where's The Fukkin Snow?

Another reason I love Iceland. You can get this shirt at: Shopicelandic.com